Stewie: Oh, she has the voice of an Angel... not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from.

Peter: Aw, hell, the northeast. It's times like this I curse the fact we live in French Polynesia.

Peter: Hey, yo, Lois!
Lois: What?
Peter: I'm packin' for Kiss-stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.
Lois: You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt-cheek from when you stepped on 'em pullin' 'em up in that airplane bathroom when you had the trots?
Peter: No, no, the pair with the hole in the left butt-cheek from when I held it in for two hours 'cause it was an extra-long Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought blowin' gas would offend Jesus so I let it go in the vestibule after mass and it sounded like Louis Armstrong.
Lois: Oh! Bottom drawer.

Stewie: Where are England's verdant fields? It's rosy-rumped maidens and buck toothed solicitors?

Stewie: Oh, God, it's like Orson Welles's autopsy.

Stewie: Actually, once you feng-shui the organs it's kind of cozy.

Brian: Germany invaded Poland in 1939.
German tour guide: We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!

Lois: Peter, are you ever gonna to forgive me?
Peter: Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

Peter: My wife did Kiss!
Lois: And J. Geils.
Peter: What?
Lois: Nothing.

Peter: My wife here did Kiss!
Donny: Get out of here!
Lois: Hand to God.
Donny: Whoa, Peter, how does that make you feel?
Peter: I feel like I've done Kiss too, Donny, and it feels good.
Donny: Lois, you got any tips for the young girls in the audience tonight?
Lois: Well, I guess the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous, so just make yourself available.