3rd Season

#1 The Thin White Line
#2 Brian Does Hollywood
#3 Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington
#4 One If By Clam, Two If By Sea
#5 And the Wiener Is...
#6 Death Lives
#7 Lethal Weapons
#8 The Kiss Seen Round the World
#9 Mr. Saturday Knight
#10 A Fish Out of Water
#11 Emission Impossible
#12 To Live and Die in Dixie
#13 Screwed the Pooch
#14 Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?
#15 Ready, Willing and Disabled
#16 A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
#17 Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows
#18 From Method to Madness
#19 Stuck Together, Torn Apart
#20 European Road Show
#21 Family Guy, Viewer Mail #1
#22 When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Other seasons
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

#1 The Thin White Line: Aired Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Brian feels like he's stuck in a rut, and so he takes his therapist's advice and tries to help others for a change. He ends up a very successful drug-sniffing dog for the Quahog police department, but along the way he gets addicted to cocaine. Peter is disappointed when the Griffin family has to cancel their planned vacation in the Bahamas to help support Brian who is in rehab, but decides to tag along with his dog when he sees the beautiful clinic. A therapist at the clinic tells Brian that Peter is a bad influence on him. Although Brian defends his friend and leaves rehab in protest, the wise dog realizes he does need some time away from the Griffin family and leaves Quahog for parts unknown.

#2 Brian Does Hollywood: Aired Wednesday, July 18, 2001

Brian is a struggling screenwriter in Hollywood, which really means he's waitering and washing cars. Brian's cousin introduces the lost dog to a local producer who offers Brian a job directing... a porno. Meanwhile, Stewie has a successful audition for Kids Say the Darndest Things, and plots to use hypnotizing glasses on national television to take over the world. The Griffins get a free trip to Los Angeles due to Stewie's TV appearance and come to visit Brian at work. Brian is ashamed of working in porn and tries to hide it from his family, leading them to believe that he's now a stuck-up Hollywood big shot. Brian is miserable when he is nominated for a Woody Award for porn directing and can't share it with his family. Luckily, Brian's cousin calls the Griffins and tells them about the award. Brian's family is there to support him when he wins the Woody, and he realizes that it was a mistake to leave Quahog. Stewie's plot is foiled when Bill Cosby unwittingly uses the young boy's glasses and hypnotizes Stewie into being a complacent kid.

#3 Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington: Aired Wednesday, July 25, 2001

Peter's toy company gets bought by a large cigarette company, and the toys are then used to market cigarettes to children. When Peter, on Lois's advice, confronts his new bosses about their evil use of toys, they promote Peter to president to shut him up. Lois, pleased with all the perks that come with Peter's new position, keeps her mouth shut too, while Brian quits smoking in protest. Peter's bosses send him to Washington to lobby against a bill that would put them out of business, because they figure politicians will be able to relate to a big dumb fat guy. When Lois finds Stewie smoking a cigarette, she goes down to Washington to stop what Peter's doing, and Peter ends up getting his tobacco company fined $100,000,000.

#4 One If By Clam, Two If By Sea: Aired Wednesday, August 1, 2001

The owner of the Drunken Clam sells out to Peter's new British neighbor, Nigel Pinchley, and the bar becomes a stuffy British pub. Peter and his friends protest by staging the Quahog Beer Party, throwing barrels of British beer into the water, but someone else burns down the new British pub and Peter and his friends are blamed. Lois and the other wives manage to get Nigel to confess to burning down his own pub for the insurance money, and Peter and his friends get out of jail just in time to escape the revenge of Steve, and mass-murderer that Joe Swanson put in jail years ago. Stewie teaches Nigel's Cockney-accented 3-year-old daughter, Eliza, how to speak correctly (a la My Fair Lady).

#5 And the Wiener Is...: Aired Wednesday, August 8, 2001

Peter, used to beating his son Chris at every game they play, is intimidated when he realizes that Chris' penis is huge. Peter tries to compensate by getting a very phallic sports car and joining a gun-club, but when Chris saves him from a bear attack, he gets some perspective and tells his son that he's lucky to have such a big penis. Meanwhile, Meg joins the Flag Girls, and tries to act like she's now a popular cheerleader, but the cheerleaders mock her and cover her with stinky meat at a football game. Meg, on her mother's advice, is still friendly, and finally gets invited to a cheerleader's birthday party. Lois plans Meg's revenge on the popular kids, but Meg backs out of their complicated plan at the last minute, claiming that these people are now her friends. Meg regrets her decision when she is tricked into kissing a pig.

#6 Death Lives: Aired Wednesday, August 15, 2001

When Peter sets up a distracting scavenger hunt for Lois so that he can sneak away and play golf on their anniversary, he is struck by lightening. While he hovers in limbo, Death comes to give him a revelation. Through flashbacks of his relationship with Lois, Peter realizes that if he doesn't pay more attention to his beloved wife, she will leave him. At the same time, Peter gives Death dating tips, and gets the grim reaper a date with a girl from a pet store... who turns out to be incredibly boring. Peter gets out of limbo just in time to surprise Lois with Peter Frampton playing "their song" when she arrives to bust him playing golf.

#7 Lethal Weapons: Aired Wednesday, August 22, 2001

Bonnie convinces Lois to join her Tae-Jitsu class and Quahog is invaded by New York "leafers" coming to look at the pretty colored leaves in fall. Lois quickly becomes a black-belt, and Peter uses his new dangerous wife to drive away all the annoying New Yorkers. However, Lois's new-found violent side finds its way into the Griffin household, and after trying counseling, the whole family has an all-out brawl to get it out of their system.

#8 The Kiss Seen Round the World: Aired Wednesday, August 29, 2001

When Meg, due to her crush on Tom Tucker, the newscaster, applies for an internship at the local television station and gets the job, she is disappointed to find that her news partner is the most reviled nerd in school, Neil. Caught in a life-threatening news situation, Meg laments that she never had a first kiss and agrees to kiss Neil only to find that he taped the whole thing in order to broadcast it across the world. Meg broadcasts her own news that she has no interest in Neil, sending him to the ledge on top of Town Hall. She breaks his fall, only to find out that he had no intention of jumping and was just trying to get her attention again. Stewie's prized new tricycle is stolen by the neighborhood bully, but the bully soon learns not to mess with Stewie.

#9 Mr. Saturday Knight: Aired Wednesday, September 5, 2001

Peter, dissatisfied with his job, invites his boss over for dinner to try to get a promotion. He gets the promotion, but his boss chokes on a dinner roll and dies. After his boss's death, the toy factory where Peter works is shut down, and Peter is unemployed. At Lois' urging, he follows his dream to become a Renaissance Fair jouster. Peter's hero, the Black Knight, turns out to be a jerk, and when the Black Knight's girlfriend flirts with rookie Peter, the Black Knight banishes Peter from the fair. Peter still attends as an audience member, but when the Black Knight mocks Peter in the stands Peter challenges him. Peter defeats the Black Knight when the Knight is distracted by his car being towed.

#10 A Fish Out of Water: Aired Wednesday, September 19, 2001

When Peter decides to become a fisherman, he takes out a large loan to buy a fishing boat and unwittingly gives up everything he owns as collateral. Faced with losing the family home, Peter resorts to desperate measures to get the money and hunts down a famous man-eating fish for the reward money. It turns out that the fish is a robot, and the fisherman who created it and the legend surrounding it gives Peter the money he needs to keep quiet. Meanwhile, Meg and Lois do some serious spring-break partying (Lois does, anyway) and get arrested when Meg finally gets into the mood and takes off her shirt in public.

#11 Emission Impossible: Aired Thursday, November 8, 2001

Peter and Lois are inspired by her pregnant sister Carol to have another baby. Stewie is appalled at the prospect of another sibling and vows to keep Lois and Peter from sleeping together. After various attempts to stop them, Stewie shrinks himself down to a microscopic size and enters Peter's body in hopes of destroying all of his sperm. Once inside, Stewie meets the sperm that will be his future brother, and realizes that having a younger sibling might actually be a good thing. Of course, once Stewie is on board with the idea, Lois and Peter decide that maybe having another baby is not such a good idea.

#12 To Live and Die in Dixie: Aired Thursday, November 15, 2001

Chris sees a convenience store hold up and identifies the thief in a police line-up, but the thief then escapes from jail and vows on TV to hunt Chris down. The Griffins are put into the witness protection program and relocated to a small hick town in the deep south. Meg enjoys popularity as a northern city girl and Peter becomes the town sheriff and battles with a raccoon. Chris finally realizes he can talk to girls when he becomes friends with a boy his age named Sam who turns out to be a girl. The thief hunts the Griffins down, and even though they've angered the town by disagreeing with their Civil War re-enactment, the town comes to the family's rescue, shooting the criminal and disposing of his body. The Griffins return to Rhode Island safe and sound.

#13 Screwed the Pooch: Aired Thursday, November 29, 2001

Brian is having trouble controlling his urges for female dogs. In preparation for visiting Lois's parents, Peter tries to hoity-toity himself up, but he still makes an ass of himself in front of the rich Pewterschmidts. The only way Peter can make a good impression is with his incredible poker game. He and Lois's father are finally getting along when they go to the dog races to see the Pewterschmidts' prize racing dog run. When the race starts, Brian can't take it anymore and tackles the Pewterschmidts' dog, Sea Breeze, not only causing her to lose the race but getting her pregnant. The Griffins are kicked out of the Pewterschmidts' house and told to never come back, but Brian sues for custody of his puppies. Brian is awarded custody only if he's neutered, but luckily, just before he goes snip-snip, he finds out that the puppies aren't actually his. Actually, the puppies look an awful lot like Ted Turner.

#14 Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?: Aired Thursday, December 6, 2001

Peter and Chris explore their family heritage and are shocked to discover that one of their ancestors was black. Peter goes out to learn more about how to be a black man. Lois's parents, the Pewtershmidts, come to visit, and while looking through old family photos, Peter realizes that his black ancestor was actually a slave for Lois's blue-blood family. Lois's father pays Peter reparation money, and Peter squanders it on buying the set of Peewee's Playhouse. The black community, and everyone else, is up in arms about Peter not sharing the reparation money, but it's Peter's own ancestor, who appears to him in a bathroom mirror, who convinces him of what he has to do. At a basketball game, Peter throws the money out on the court, sharing it with his black and white brothers alike. After finding himself powerless against pep at a school basketball game, Stewie infiltrates the local high school cheerleaders in order to discover the power of their mind control. He takes one girl's place on top of the pyramid and tries to create mayhem, but the pyramid falls before he can get his message across.

#15 Ready, Willing and Disabled: Aired Thursday, December 20, 2001

When Joe loses a thief in a chase, he also loses his self confidence and pride as a police officer. Peter becomes determined to help Joe and offers to train him for the decathlon at the Olympics for handicapped athletes. Peter spikes Joe's drink with steroids and he goes on to win the gold medal and fame. When a jealous Peter gets left behind, he publicly humiliates Joe by telling everyone about the steroids. Joe is back in dumps until he gets a second chance at the thief and catches him this time. Stewie, Meg, Chris, and Brian fight over twenty six dollars that they find on the sidewalk.

#16 A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas: Aired Friday, December 21, 2001

Lois is trying hard to have a merry Christmas for everyone, but finds it difficult when Peter accidentally gives all of the family presents away and the house and Christmas dinner burn down together. Lois finally loses it and tries to destroy the church's Christmas tree. It's only Stewie's appearance as the baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant that brings back her sanity. Stewie makes a deal with Santa: he'll be a good boy if Santa will bring him plutonium for Christmas.

#17 Brian Wallows and Peter Swallows: Aired Thursday, January 17, 2002

Brian, feeling alone when he has yet another date with a dingbat of a woman, drinks and then gets arrested for drunk driving. He is sentenced to community service, working with an elderly shut-in named Pearl. Pearl drives Brian nuts until he sees an E! special on her career and realizes she was an incredible singer. Brian and Pearl bond over their love of music and Brian convinces Pearl to leave her house for the first time in many decades. Pearl is hit by a truck and before she dies, Brian uses virtual reality to show them the life they could have had together. Peter decides to grow a beard, but when an endangered bird nests in it he's not allowed to shave it. He finally drives the bird out of his beard, but the bird leaves behind three baby birds that Peter raises. Lois finally convinces Peter it's time to let go of the baby birds so Peter sets them free.

#18 From Method to Madness: Aired Thursday, January 24, 2002

When Brian auditions for a role at the local theater, Stewie is discovered and enters the Quahog School of Performing Arts. Stewie finds out he and the snottiest girl in class are about to fail if they don't do something incredible for their final, so they do a musical number together that is a big hit. They start working the local circuit together with their popular show, but they end up fighting a breaking up. Stewie tries to keep up the act by himself, but he can't, and he's devastated when he sees his old partner leave for a movie role in Hollywood. Peter rescues a drowning man from the ocean and the Griffins go over to his house for dinner, but they are shocked when they find out that the entire family is nudist. Meg hits it off with the son of the family, and they start spending time together until Peter and Lois forbid Meg to see him anymore. Peter and Lois later realize that they're being silly, and they invite over Meg's new friend and play nude Yahtzee together.

#19 Stuck Together, Torn Apart: Aired Thursday, January 31, 2002

Peter gets jealous when Lois goes out for coffee with an ex-boyfriend from college. Lois tells Peter that his jealousy is stifling her, so they agree to see a marriage counselor. The counselor advises them to have a trial separation and date other people, and they reluctantly follow his advice. Lois goes out with an eager Quagmire, while Peter ends up on a date with Jennifer Love Hewitt. They find themselves all at the same restaurant, and when JLH is actually turned on by Peter's grossness and makes a move on him, Lois gets jealous and gives JLH a beat-down. Lois and Peter realize they're both jealous at times, and they'll just have to learn to deal with it. Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian find themselves accidentally glued together for two weeks.

#20 European Road Show: Aired Thursday, February 7, 2002

Peter and Lois go away for five days to attend Kiss-stock, where Peter is horrified to find out that Lois is not as big a Kiss fan as she was pretending to be. Lois redeems herself in Peter's eyes when she sees Kiss out of makeup and realizes that she slept with Gene Simmons when they were teenagers. In the meantime, Stewie decides to leave behind the squalor of his normal life, and go to England to join his favorite TV show. Brian chases him onto the plane, and the baby and the dog find themselves accidentally in the mid-east. After stealing a camel and later a hot-air balloon, they make their way across Europe to London, and to the studios of the BBC. There, Stewie is crushed to find that his favorite show is all make-believe.

#21 Family Guy, Viewer Mail #1: Aired Thursday, February 14, 2002

Family Guy brings some ideas from viewer mail to life. 1) Peter finds a genie lamp and gets three wishes. He sees what Kelly Ripa is like when she's not on TV, he gets his own theme music, and then to escape from a guy who wants to beat him up because the theme music is annoying, he wishes that he has no bones. 2) The Griffins get super powers from toxic waste and become drunk with power. Mayor West tries to battle them but rolling around in toxic waste too, but he just gets cancer. 3) The Griffins are the L'il Rascals, and Quagmire and Peter try to spend a night in a haunted house to impress Lois.

#22 When You Wish Upon a Weinstein: Aired Sunday, November 9, 2003

Peter loses the family's savings when he's swindled into buying volcano insurance. When Meg's glasses break, Peter scrambles to get the money back. After hearing about how all his friends have Jewish accountants that make them lots of money, Peter wishes on a star for his very own Jew. His wish comes true when a Jewish man, Weinstein, shows up needing to use Peter's phone because his car broke down. Peter convinces Weinstein to help him get his money back, and then decides that Chris should become Jewish so that he will be smarter.

Other seasons
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5